At any given moment, I can close my eyes and relive every detail of a day that changed my life forever just as though I was experiencing it all over again.

It was March 17, 2017. I had just nursed Eden to sleep, and I decided to take a nap myself. With her warm little body cozied up next to mine, I began to drift off to sleep. I was startled as my phone buzzed. My Dad was calling. At that time, my Dad and I weren’t super close. We rarely talked on the phone. I placed the phone back down on my bed thinking I’ll just call him back after nap time, but something prompted me to answer. “Hello?” I whispered. In a broken voice, he said, “Clay’s dead.” In an instant, the breath was knocked out of me and the room began spinning. Surely I didn’t hear him right. But I did. Dad didn’t know many details; he would call back as soon as he did. The next place I remember being was on my hands and knees on the floor of our living room. I called Simeon, screaming and weeping “Clay has died!”

I am the oldest of four children. Clay, my brother, was 18 months younger than me. From my earliest memories, we were always a pair. Best friends or worst enemies, we had an incredible childhood growing up together. Our teen years into adulthood drew us even closer. Clay had just finished up four years of service in the army. In December of 2016, he’d moved back to Germany to marry his fiance. He had met her while he was stationed there for two years. They were married in February 2017. One month and one day after their wedding, Clay died. We later found out that Clay had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, a heart condition he’d had since birth. His years in the army had exerted a muscle in his heart to a point that it was so taught that it no longer allowed for his heart to beat. In an instant, his heart stopped, and he entered into heaven.

That was the first time in my life that I experienced grief. It was also the first time where God became more than head knowledge, but heart knowledge. I was saved years prior to this instance, but I never had faced anything that left me desperate for Christ and truths that were only found in Him. In all of the tumultuous emotions that came in the following days, God’s grace was so sufficient.

It was in my darkest moments that I found precious treasures, shining like stars in the black night. At the time, I called them “my anchors.” They held me to the Rock when life’s waters threatened to rip me from the arms of my Saviour. Today, the water’s current isn’t as strong. Yes, grief still rears it’s ugly head from time to time, and I’m reminded of my deep loss, but time has healed the wound. I now call these treasures “my gifts.” I see them as precious gifts from the Lord. These are things I have come to experience personally. No one could ever convince me that they are not real because I have lived them.

Gifts Discovered in Grief

  • God’s Sufficient Grace II Corinthians 12:9 “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
  • God’s Unending Comfort Psalm 23:4 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
  • God’s Perfect Peace Isaiah 26:3 “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”
  • God’s Sweet Rest Jeremiah 31:25 “For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenished every sorrowful soul.”

Clay’s death was only the beginning of dark, soul-crushing waters that my family would have to walk through. I’m so thankful that God used this loss to drive these truths a mile deep in my heart. I would need the confidence of these promises to carry me through the trials that waited ahead. As I continue to journey through life, God is continuing to show me that sweetness can be found in the bitterest of waters.

I love this poem by William Cowper-

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.


Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

You can listen to the corresponding episode on the No Higher Calling podcast.